Conversation with gym-goers

A young man came to me recently for a new routine. I asked him about his progress and previous routines. I'm using poetic license a bit but this was the gist of my hour with him.

"I've been coming four years, at 1.81m tall I used to be 62kg, now I'm 67kg. I have never done a below-parallel barbell squat, I cannot do a chinup, and I can bench 45kg, I have never run more than 3km in one go, I get tired and stop. I've done 12 different routines since I've been here, usually I do them for about 4 weeks then stop and just do whatever I feel like."
"Okay... um, what are your goals?"
"What?"
'Why do you come to the gym? What do you want to achieve?"
"I want to be bigger and have a V-shape in my torso and leaner and be able to run 10km, and ride my bike faster and be stronger."
"Usually it works best when you focus on one thing at a time. Which one thing is the most important to you?"
"I want to be bigger and have a V-shape in my torso and leaner and be able to run 10km, and ride my bike faster and be stronger."
"Which one thing... nevermind. Rightyo. I suggest this more focused routine. Goblet squats, pushups and inverted rows, start with 10 reps total of each, add 1-3 reps each time. Barbell back squats for 20 reps, bench press for 4 sets of 5. Start with the empty bar, each session add 2.5kg. If you can't make the lift, that's okay, just try again next time. Dumbbell bent-over rows with 10kg, do 2 sets of 10, then press overhead for 2x5. When these are easy, get the next heavier dumbbell. Go through it quick and you'll get fitter, too." I coached him on all these lifts.
"Only 2.5kg each session? That's very slow."
"Come twice a week, that is 20kg every 4 weeks. In 8 weeks you'll be squatting 60kg for 20 reps, and benching 60kg for 4x5. So in two months you'll be lifting more than you've lifted after 4 years. Too slow?"
"Okay, but this routine would only take about half an hour. I want to spend an hour here."
"You could just talk to the girls."
"What?"
"You may find it takes longer when the weights are heavier. Squatting and benching 20kg you can go again straight away, 60kg will be a bit different."
"Still, so quick..."
"If you want, just add on some cardio, aim for 20 minutes with your heart rate around 140."
"Will this help me with my goals?"
"Not really. But it will take 20 minutes, and won't do you any harm."
"Okay, I'll do it."
"Good."
"So how do I get bigger?"
"Eat more."
"I eat heaps."
"I would suggest that if at 67kg, you probably do not eat heaps. Try drinking an extra litre of milk a day."
"I can't drink that much!"
"That's four glasses. One glass with breakfast, one with lunch, one with dinner, and one before bed."
"So much."
"Up to you. To get big, eat big"
"I don't want to get big."
"Um, sorry, I have to go to my next appointment."

The next day as I was going about the gym, I saw a guy standing on an upturned bosu ball, slamming a medicine ball down on the ground and catching it on the bounceback.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked.
"It's a challenge."
"Certainly. If I were to kick you in the groin while you're doing it, that would be even more of a challenge, but would it be useful?"
"Well, I play sports."
"Ah, which sport?"
"Cricket."
"So to prepare for standing on a flat stable surface and hit or catch a cricket ball, you stand on an upside-down bosu ball and fling a medicine ball to the ground?"
"Yes."
"Is it working for you? Do you feel your cricket game is helped by this?"
"I don't really feel any difference. But it's a challenge."
I didn't really know what to say to him after this, so I left him to it.

While it would be fun to blame other trainers, generally I find they've made these odd exercises up themselves, like the guy trying to do a pushup with each of his hands and feet on a medicine ball. Another "challenge."

Figure out where you are now. Choose your destination. Map out the route between the two, that's your workout routine and diet. Do that and nothing else until you reach your destination. If you do not, I will laugh at you.